Handling Conflict in the Moment (Part 3 of 3)
- Russ Powell
- 4 hours ago
- 7 min read
This is the final post in a three-part series on managing disagreement and conflict. In Part One, we explored how to recognize conflict forming. In Part Two, we mapped the needs beneath it. Now, in Part Three, we'll navigate the moment itself.
Three Moves That Change the Trajectory of a Hard Conversation (Even When You Think It Won’t)
David heard tension before he even reached the conference room.
A sharp voice leaked through the door.
Maya's voice.
"No, don't push anything new," she said. "Keep the team calm until we understand the root cause… Yes. I'll handle it."
He checked the time. Two minutes early. Perfect amount of time to panic.
His stomach churned.
This is going to go badly, he thought.
Then—almost reluctantly—he remembered his Middle Path training:
Name the thought. Reset. Assume the best version of the other person is present.
He inhaled.
Okay. I'm imagining the best Maya showing up—thoughtful, open, receptive. And maybe the best version of me shows up too.
He opened the door before he could talk himself out of it.
Maya ended the call instantly.
"Let me call you back," she said, then closed her laptop halfway—the universal sign for brace yourself.
The outage log glowed between them like an extra participant.
David sat down, heart thumping louder than the air vent. He wasn't sure whether she noticed, but he knew he wasn't hiding it well.
The Temperature Rises Fast
"That's the third outage this month," Maya said. "We can't keep shipping like this."
She wasn't angry—she was worn down, protective. The voice of someone who had been holding too much for too long.
David felt a familiar tightening in his chest: the fear of disappointing customers, the board, his own team.
The board's going to eat me alive, he thought.
He stopped himself.
Reset. Assume the best version of her is here.
He reached for the first move—not because he trusted it, but because the alternative hadn't been working.
1. He Signaled Receptiveness
“Let me check if I’m with you,” he said. “You’re saying the pace we’re pushing is risking the system and the team. Do I have that right?”
It felt a little scripted coming out of his mouth—like he was auditioning for a leadership training video—but it was sincere and honest.
Maya blinked, surprised.
“You’re… hearing me?” she asked.
“I’m trying,” he said.
Honesty did what clever phrasing could not.
The room softened by five degrees.
Receptiveness isn’t agreement.
It’s oxygen.
2. He Balanced Inquiry and Advocacy (and Slipped Once)
“Yes,” Maya said. “And if we keep going like this, we’re going to burn out more people.”
David nodded, trying to channel “curious adult human” energy.
But then his mouth betrayed him.
“Look, we can’t slip the date with the customer,” he blurted. “We promised—”
Maya’s shoulders shot up.
His internal critic arrived right on cue:
Nice job there, Dave. We’re already steering toward the ditch.
He exhaled.
“Sorry,” he said, palms up. “That came out wrong. Let me try again.”
He paused—a beat longer than comfortable.
“From my side,” he said carefully, “I’m worried about the customer impact if we miss this window. But I know you’re seeing risks I’m not. Would you walk me through the worst-case scenario here?”
Maya studied him for a moment. Then: a small nod.
He watched her shoulders drop a quarter-inch.
Inquiry reopened what advocacy had closed.
3. He Asked What Mattered Most
Maya pulled her chair in. “What’s most important to me?” she said. “Confidence. That what we ship won’t break. That the team isn’t running on fumes. And that we’re building something that won’t collapse on us later.”
It landed.
“I hear you,” David said. “You’re trying to protect both the platform and the people who keep it running. Yes?”
She nodded. "Yes."
“What’s most important to me is clarity—how we meet customer expectations without exhausting the team.”
Maya frowned—thinking, not bristling.
For the first time, it felt like they were naming the real problem instead of rehearsing opposing positions.
A Second Slip—and Another Reset
“So maybe we should just slow everything down?” David said, half-thinking aloud.
Maya’s jaw tightened. “It’s not that simple.”
He felt the room tilting back toward old patterns.
He caught himself.
“Right,” he said, steadying. “Let me back up. I’m hearing your need for confidence. I’m trying to reconcile it with our need for clarity with customers. Maybe we can name what we’re both solving for.”
Her posture softened again.
They were back on track. The path through the undergrowth had become visible again.
They Named the Shared Goal
“So maybe the real question is,” David said, “how do we ship a release that keeps customers confident and keeps the team healthy? Does that sound right?”
Maya let out a breath that seemed weeks overdue.
“Yes,” she said. “Exactly.”
The conflict wasn’t gone. But it had finally transformed—from adversarial to collaborative.
And David felt something he hadn’t expected:
Relief.
And the faint suspicion that these moves might actually work. The bridge had held.
Why These Moves Work
The mechanics are simple—but the psychology underneath is powerful.
These moves interrupt the automatic conflict cycle and create conditions where real collaboration can happen.
1. Signal Receptiveness
Reflect what you hear. Lower the threat.
When tension rises, people stop listening for meaning and start listening for threat.
A brief reflection—“Let me check if I’ve got this…”—tells the other person:
I’m not here to fight you.
I’m trying to understand you.
Research from Julia Minson (Harvard Kennedy School) on conversational receptiveness shows that even one genuine signal of openness reduces defensiveness and increases willingness to share information.
Once people feel heard, the temperature drops. The conversation becomes workable again.
2. Balance Inquiry and Advocacy
Stay curious. Share your view. Reset when you slip.
Conflict becomes unproductive when it collapses into one-way communication:
High advocacy, low inquiry: bulldozing
High inquiry, low advocacy: passivity
It’s important to integrate both.
Saying, “Here’s how I see it—but I may be missing something,” does three things:
asserts your perspective,
shows humility,
invites collaboration.
And when you slip—which you will—the recovery matters more than the mistake. Resetting is part of the practice.
3. Ask What’s Most Important
Name the needs so you can solve the right problem.
Positions (“Slow down,” “We can’t miss the deadline”) create gridlock.
Underlying needs—like confidence, clarity, stability, fairness, respect—create movement.
Asking:
“What’s most important to you in this?”
invites the other person to move from the surface want to the deeper need.
And once needs are named, new options emerge.
Most conflicts are not clashes of needs — they’re clashes of positions. Naming the need lets the real work begin.
The deeper reason these moves work
These aren’t tricks.
They’re shifts in stance.
Receptiveness cools the heat.
Inquiry + advocacy keeps the conversation balanced.
Naming needs aligns people around what actually matters.
You won’t stay centered every moment.
The real skill is noticing when you’ve slipped, resetting, and returning.
These moves give you something to return to.
These three moves are the final piece of the framework we've been building.
Bringing It All Together
Recognize → Prepare → Practice
Part One: Notice conflict forming.
Part Two: Map the needs beneath it.
Part Three: Navigate the moment—imperfectly, courageously, and with skill that grows each time.
What Skillful Conflict Makes Possible
David didn’t leave with a perfect solution.
He left with:
clarity
connection
relief
and a shared path forward
Conflict handled well doesn’t drain a team. It focuses them.
You don’t need flawless timing. You just need to stay in the practice.
BONUS: The Cost of Poorly Handled Conflict
(and the One Question That Cuts Through 80% of It)
When conflict is mishandled, teams bleed:
time
trust
momentum
energy
talent
A five-minute pause to get the conversation right saves hours later.
The Shortcut Question
“What’s the real thing we’re trying to solve together?”
It resets the system. It brings people back to the work.
Reflection
Where in your work could one of these moves—or that one question—shift a tense moment this week?
Try it once.
Every reset strengthens the next one.
Recommended Resources
1. Getting to Yes — Roger Fisher, William Ury, Bruce Patton
A foundational negotiation book that explains positions, interests, and needs — the backbone of the Part 2 framework.
2. Nonviolent Communication — Marshall Rosenberg
The core source for needs-based communication, emotional grounding, and conflict de-escalation through clarity and empathy.
3. Relationships 2.0: How To Keep Conflict From Spiraling — Hidden Brain podcast featuring Julia Minson (Harvard Kennedy School)
A research-backed episode on conversational receptiveness—the skill David uses in Move #1. Minson's work shows how small linguistic signals dramatically reduce defensiveness.
4. Difficult Conversations — Stone, Patton, Heen (Harvard Negotiation Project)
A practical guide to navigating tension, balancing inquiry and advocacy, and separating intent from impact — aligned with Middle Path principles.
5. Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don't Manage You — Ethan Kross
Research-backed strategies for emotional regulation in real time. Essential for leaders learning to stay grounded in charged moments.
6. "The Power of Vulnerability" — Brené Brown (TED Talk)
Not specifically about conflict, but exceptionally relevant to resets, repair, and showing up as the “better version of yourself” in difficult conversations.
7. What Great Listeners Actually Do — Zenger & Folkman (HBR)
A short, research-backed article that redefines listening as active engagement — including inquiry, reflection, and collaborative problem-solving.
Solve the Right Problems, Faster
If you lead a team in a growing startup or business, you know how quickly misalignment and unresolved conflict can slow progress. Leadership and the Middle Path is our foundational workshop designed to build the collaborative problem-solving skills your team needs—including the conflict management capabilities covered in this series.
Battle-tested in over 150 startups and Fortune 100 companies, this practical workshop helps teams reduce friction, navigate difficult conversations, and strengthen trust and accountability through hands-on practice and real-world application.
Join us for the next series.
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